Roses and Pink Unicorns

Let’s get real about pregnancy here for a minute.  I’m pretty sure I’m one of those annoying women that other women hate because I never experienced morning sickness, I’ve gained relatively little weight for twins, and I am truly awed by every little movement that these babies make.  I really do love it, but as I’ve entered the third trimester, there are some truths that ima spit real quick, because what is life, if you can’t laugh your way through the sorta shitty times?

 First of all I have about 8 1/2 lbs of actual babies happinin’ up in this uterus.  At 31 weeks, I’m carrying what some women give birth to and they are still going to grow for 7-8 more weeks.  Add to that the weight of two placentas and their accompanying amniotic fluids, the ridiculous amount of blood volume my body is pumping, and it’s no surprise that all that weight has wonderfully caused my previously internal and painless hemorrhoids to prolapse and become painfully, painfully external. 

In an effort to catch my husband’s eye despite my sexy new health development, I attempted to change my toe nail polish and shave my legs.  Alas!  The polish removal took so long and exhausted me to the point my husband shook his head, took pity on me and finished the job.  I was fairly successful in the leg shaving endeavor, but my ability to inspect my handy work has greatly diminished, so I have no way to confirm this.  I’m choosing to enjoy ignorance on the matter.

Carpel Tunnel Syndrome has also decided to grace me nightly with it’s presence and I’m considering upping my evening sex appeal by adding wrist braces to my blue, oversized, granny-style night gown.  (Which has quickly become not-so-oversized…)  Speaking of oversized, I’ve also graduated to full coverage granny panties.  They leave much to the imagination, and I feel that I’m finally living up to the “mysterious” aspect of being a Scorpio.

You can’t tell from behind your computer screen but I just stepped away for 10 minutes searching for the Tums, as I spend much of my day looking for things that I know were “just right here…”  only to discover that my sweet husband put them exactly where they belong; the medicine drawer.  The heart burn is vicious and comes on suddenly when the twins decide to work together to simultaneously kick my stomach and tuck into my lungs making it extra hard to breathe through the acidic burn attacking my esophagus.  I dread the plans they will concoct against me in their toddler years.

Gone are the glory days of the previous trimesters. As I lean my aching back against my heating pad, I realize the home stretch has begun.  For a while, pregnancy was looking like something that I would never experience so, despite all the above, I am still loving this pregnancy!  I love that my husband and I can make hemorrhoid jokes and laugh about this incredible changing body of mine.  And I really am grateful that I have had a healthy and very easy pregnancy so far.  In the end, no pregnancy is all roses and pink unicorns, so lets just laugh at it while we can.  I’ll soon have two babies in my arms and pregnancy will become just a memory.