Preparing for the Worst

both physically and emotionally

Wow! Italy seems like a lifetime ago already!  The last two weeks of leave, we spent together, not doing much but enjoying each other’s company as we won’t be able to for much longer.  Lately we’ve been making plans for Independence Day and it’s really making me appreciate my husband’s presence even more.  It’s also made me think about the countless soldiers and their families who gave the ultimate sacrifice so our country can celebrate on the fourth of July, year after year.

The day of Cody’s departure looms ever closer, yet is constantly moving.  We were glad to hear that his deployment got pushed back about a week, but are crossing our fingers that it doesn't change.  In the Army, EVERYTHING is subject to change;  it’s something everyone tries to tell you in some way or another, but you can never understand it until you are in it.  It’s part of the Army that I’m getting used to, however slowly.  It’s hard for me to give up control so instead of giving up ALL my control, I’m focusing on the things that I can, and reminding myself to enjoy my husband now, and every moment, while he’s still here.
This is our first deployment and I’ve started occupying my self by gathering all the paperwork,  important phone numbers and documentation I might need while he’s gone.  I’m using the check lists that various organizations provide as a guideline.  It’s always hard when I get to the part about life insurance.  There’s no way to sugar-coat that part.  There’s no subtle words or innuendos to ease your way into the harsh reality that you have to plan ahead for the possibility that your loved one might not return.
Granted, you don’t HAVE to plan ahead or even think about it at all.  After all, ignorance is bliss, right?  If you don’t think about it, then you don’t sit up at night worried about it.  But if you don’t plan for the unthinkable, then what?  Will you gracefully cry while some how all the loose ends tie themselves together.  No, that’s the glamorized Hollywood movie version.  You would most likely be shell-shocked, and left in a daze with out a clue as to what happens next. 
Discussing a plan with your spouse can be is emotionally hard, and it feels harsh and calculating.  But knowing what I would do IF and only if this ever happened, and having all our paperwork neatly in the same spot, allows me a small sense of comfort in knowing that I would be able to give my self the grieving time I would so desperately need.  While all this is hard to just think and talk about, can you imagine how much harder it would be when your emotions are out of your control?  When you are still trying to comprehend this horrible news and here come people calling who need this and that and you have to find some way to pull yourself out of your grief to find whatever it is they need?
Yes, all this planning for the worst possible situation is emotionally draining, but it gives me a new sense of empathy for any spouse or family who did loose their loved one.  It makes me more aware of the community I live in, which has the rare benefit of a shared struggle, and thus can share support.  Most of all, it makes me appreciate every moment I do get with Cody before he leaves.  Even the mundane ones, because soon, we will be apart; not alone, but lonely.
Tonight we will curl up on the couch and watch some movies, and quietly enjoy our evening routine.  Tonight I will remind my self, as I often do, that the war is winding down, and while the danger is not entirely gone, it is significantly less.  He is smart and level headed which are good qualities for a soldier to have, and I have vast amounts of optimistic hope that he will return to my side, safe.